Hooden Play 1967
Copyright (c) The Hoodeners. All rights reserved.
- Wag:
- Look, the door is open wide
Leave old Dobbin here outside
- Boy:
- Help me, Joe, to hold the brute
Now if I had a gun I'd shoot
The awkward beast right through the head…
The jade's worth less alive than dead
- Wag:
- Woah back, Dobbin, woah, I say
- Adam:
- Help, now there'll be hell to pay
- Moll:
- Sorry, missis, sorry, master
Look, he's been and cracked the plaster
- Moll:
- The vicar'll have fifty fits…
He's nearly kicked his house to bits
- Moll:
- Look what he's done near the table
- Boy:
- Dobbin, boy, it's not your stable
- Moll:
- It's all right, folks. Don't hold your noses
Put it round your next year's roses
- Adam:
- Now the air's much less than pure…
Tainted by the nag's manure
- Wag:
- It's sent the old girl in a panic
This fertilizer most organic
- Adam:
- Don't worry, ma'am, it's all good luck
It makes your roses grow, does muck
- Wag:
- Adam, boy, now watch your tongue
- Adam:
- I only meant old Dobbin's dung
- Wag:
- Look, he's quiet now
- Adam:
- Catch him, boy; you touched him last
- Boy:
- I'll see what I can do. Gawd blast
You for an awkward cuss!
Come on, old boy, don't make a fuss
- Moll:
- Now he's whispering in his ear
- Wag:
- Look out, lad, he's gonna rear
- All:
- Oohhh
- Adam:
- He put his hoof right through …'s head
- Moll:
- With such a dent he must be dead
- [They gather round the prostrate boy]
- Adam:
- Yes, he's dead all right… crushed his head like a rotten apple
- Moll:
- Get old Sid to toll his knell
- Wag:
- Quick, you'll find him in "The Bell"
- Adam:
- Let not worms his corpse disturb
- Wag:
- Get a coffin made by Herb
- Moll:
- Blood from ears and blood from nose
The poor young lad's turned up his toes
- Adam:
- Just for a little heap of dung
He's left the world at twenty-one
- Wag:
- Just for a little heap of muck it
Seems poor …'s kicked the bucket
- All:
- This poor lad's, alas, a gonner
We shall write his name upon a
Cross of wood well planed and painted…
Angels grant his soul's untainted
- Moll:
- He groaned
- Adam:
- Just a minute… get a feather
Now we soon shall see just whether
The poor lad's eyes are closed in death
- Wag:
- It moved
- Moll:
- That means there's still some breath
- [The boy sneezes]
- Moll:
- He sneezed
- Wag:
- Now quick, a pinch of snuff
How d'ye feel boy?
- Boy:
- Blooming rough
They've laid main drainage in my roof
- Wag:
- No boy; that hole was Dobbin's hoof
- [They lift him up]
- Adam:
- The wonder is he's not gone crackers
Let's take old Dobbin to the knackers
- Moll:
- Go quickly, Moll, to Margate town
And get a vet to put him down
- All (except the boy):
- His flesh for dog's meat we will use
Bones for glue and hide for shoes
His tail and mane for fiddle bows
Eyes and tongue to feed the crows
His hooves to make horn-handled knife
Come, boys, let's have old Dobbin's life
- Boy:
- What, kill Dobbin?
- All:
- Yes
- Boy:
- What, my mate, Dobbin?
- All:
- Yes
- Boy:
- Over my dead body, then
- Wag:
- What, d'ye want a kick again?
- Boy:
- No, but Dobbin's strong and willing
And still can earn an honest shilling
- Adam:
- Talk of shillings, Joe, my friend
We have forgot our visit's end
Which was to wish these people here
The best of health throughout the year
- Wag:
- And taste their wine and drink their beer
- Moll:
- And then to show we meant no wrong
To sing them all a Christmas song
- Wag:
- Get old Dobbin's bag then
- All:
- Now, masters, since poor men must live
Deep into your pockets dive
Come, give us freely of your store
God blesses those who feed the poor
And curses whosoever stints…
Unload your shekels, masters, since…
If ye the Hooden Horse do feed
Throughout the year ye shall not need.
Copyright (c) The Hoodeners. All rights reserved.