Hoodening Play 2006
Copyright (c) The Hoodeners. All rights reserved.
- Bill:
- The 'oodeners are here!
- A bit of hush please and less of your lip
- Or else you'll be getting a crack of my whip
- (Calm down Madam — it's not that sort of an evening)
- The others are coming; can you hear a dull moan?
- I expect that it's Sam cos he's prone to a groan.
- SOUND OF APPROACHING HOODENERS. ENTER ALL EXCEPT MOLL
- Sam:
- Hey hold on a minute, something's not right
- Boy:
- There's one of us missing… George?
- George:
- [Quietly] No I'm here. [Louder] Yeah! You're right!
- Boy:
- I know who it is now. Come on, where's old Moll?
- Sam:
- She's been given the sack. She's now on the dole!
- Bill:
- Now don't be so cruel Sam, I'm sure that's not true
- George:
- P'raps she's gone to the ladies. Popped off to the loo.
- Sam:
- She's not getting no younger, her bladder's quite weak.
- Bill:
- I know how she feels — hold my whip while I leak.
- Sam:
- Get out of it.
- George:
- It's a break with tradition 'cos Moll always starts
- Boy:
- And I always get kicked.
- HOODENERS ALL KICK THE BOY
- Bill:
- And the 'orse always farts
- THE HORSE OBLIGES. ALL LOOK AT THE 'ORSE
- George:
- There's something else odd — this 'ere 'orse ain't the same.
- He's got odd looking hoofs and a new fashioned mane
- Sam:
- That's 'cos he's new — our old Dobbin retired
- This here's a replacement, a new one we hired.
- Dobbin lives off his pension — he achieved his main goal
- He's living it up on the Costa del Cole
- Bill:
- So where's this one from? Has he come far?
- George:
- Sandgate, Whitstable, Deal…?
- Sam:
- No, Sarre.
- George:
- Seems a bit odd, is there something to tell?
- Sam:
- Well, he's old Dobbin's son. Can't you tell by the smell?
- HORSE FARTS
- Boy:
- So what is he called? Has the 'orse got a name?
- Sam:
- He answers to Neddy. If he don't — tug his mane [Sam demonstrates]
- George:
- Surely Neddy's a name for a mule not an 'orse
- Are you sure that he's pure bred?
- Neddy:
- Cheeky bugger!
- Sam:
- Of course!
- There are certain bits that are said to resemble
- Parts of a donkey…
- Bill:
- The thought makes me tremble.
- Sam:
- His ears for example are pointed and long
- And I think he's quite stubborn and he's meant to be strong.
- All:
- Oh
- Sam:
- Anyway, where's that cow with her hat and her broom?
- I've had a look round — she's not in the room
- Bill:
- Boy, you'd best go and find her
- Boy:
- But where shall I go?
- I haven't got radar
- George:
- Neither's Manston you know
- Bill:
- Just trust your instinct and follow your nose
- Sam:
- That's not bad advice — there's a stench to her clothes.
- BOY GOES OFF
- Sam:
- We've heard tell through the grapevine our boss is retiring
- You know the one — does the hiring and firing
- George:
- He's selling the business so we'll have a new boss
- Don't know 'bout you, but it makes me quite cross
- Bill:
- Hey! I could step in his shoes, he could hand me the crown
- George:
- Your name's just old Bill, you're not Gordon Brown
- Sam:
- Anyway, we came up with a quite cunning plot
- We'll all pitch in money to see what we've got.
- George:
- We'll form a co-operative — own it together
- Bill:
- Then we'll run it ourselves, whatever the weather
- George:
- We've not told the boss yet, we're biding our time,
- We'll swoop in with a bid cut him off in his prime!
- Bill:
- There's only one problem, between us we're skint
- George:
- So we're trying to raise cash
- Sam:
- Where's that silly old bint?
- ENTER BOY LOOKING STUNNED AND POINTING TOWARDS DOOR
- Bill:
- Here's our boy back, have you found our dear Molly?
- George:
- He don't look quite right
- Sam:
- That's 'cos he's a wally!
- Bill:
- Now calm down young lad, did you find her — just nod!
- BOY NODS
- George:
- P'raps he's just had an encounter with God
- ENTER MOLL, WITH A VERY LARGE CHEST
- All:
- Oh my…
- HOODENERS ARE LARGELY RENDERED SPEECHLESS
- George:
- I don't want to alarm you but something's got down your vest
- Sam:
- I can't quite see your face, it's obscured by your chest
- Moll:
- I knew you'd be jealous, I've had them enhanced
- What do you think of my silicone implants?
- Bill:
- Blimey, Molly I'm stunned.
- Boy:
- [Recovering but mesmerised] I think they're quite nice
- You look a bit like that young Katie Price
- Sam:
- [Aside, singing?!] I looked over Jordan, and what did I see…
- Moll:
- It's that look that I'm after, a young winsome girl
- I thought I'd make money — give modelling a whirl
- Sam:
- You could model for Airfix or Hornby if you must
- 'cept one of them's recently bitten the dust (it's gone bust!) [ha ha]
- George:
- Why not aim for the top? With some rhythmical prancing
- You could join the stars on Celebrity Come Dancing
- Bill:
- I've got to be honest, you don't quite look the part
- Now how can I put this you look like…
- Sam:
- A tart.
- Moll:
- Least I'm making an effort to raise us some cash
- And in the meantime I cut quite a dash
- I'm a bit of a babe now when all's said and done
- So I'm letting my hair down, I'm going to have fun
- George:
- Well good on you Moll for getting a life
- Do you fancy it Sam?
- Sam:
- [Looks horrified] What?
- George:
- Going under the knife
- Moll:
- Here, look at the brochure, they can plump up your lips
- Or iron out wrinkles or suck fat from your hips
- They can straighten out bits that are bent and all wonky
- Or extend certain parts so you're hung like a donkey!
- Boy:
- What do you think Sam? You could look like The Hoff!
- Muscular, bronzed
- Sam:
- You can all bugger off
- It's not right — it's not cricket and they're not the rules
- No-ones to go tampering with my set of balls.
- Moll:
- They can even do things for animals as well
- What do you think Ned?
- NEDDY KICKS OUT
- Moll:
- Ooof! Bloody hell!
- Sam:
- 'ere what's up with Neddy — he's looking quite queer
- George:
- P'raps he's dehydrated — quick give him a beer
- He's prone to binge drinking, like the youth of today
- Moll:
- He prefers a kebab to a bale full of hay!
- Bill:
- He don't look too good — see he's all of a quiver.
- George:
- P'raps it's the cold that's making him shiver
- Boy:
- Is he on the way out? — he's in some jeopardy
- Sam:
- He's got similar problems to Charles Kennedy
- NEDDY DROPS A LOAD
- Sam:
- Like father, like son — his insides ain't quite right
- Bill:
- What do you think George?
- George:
- Er, yeah! You're right!
- Sam:
- Beware all you drinkers — an excess of beer
- Is likely to end with this foul diarrhoea
- Bill:
- Like Ned, I've had a few — now you mention it
- I've got to go quick, I could do with a…
- BILL RUNS OFF
- Moll:
- Where's he gone off to he gives me the jitters
- George:
- He needed the toilet
- Sam:
- 'Cos he's got the squitters
- Boy:
- All this talk about poo has caused me to think
- Sam:
- If we push you in it, we'll cause you to stink!
- SAM PUSHES BOY
- Boy:
- Geroff… We could pile it all up, put a peg on our noses
- And sell it to people to put round their roses
- HOODENERS MURMUR APPROVAL, BILL COMES BACK
- Bill:
- Ooh that's better.
- As a last ditch attempt I thought I would see
- If we could win on the lottery
- I've bought us a scratch card
- Sam:
- Oi give us it here
- I need something to scratch it with
- George:
- I need a beer!
- Neddy:
- Here's a coin
- Sam:
- Thanks Neddy. Now what have we to find?
- HOODENERS ALL GATHER ROUND SAM
- Moll:
- I think that you've got to get three of a kind.
- Sam:
- Here goes, one stocking, two stockings — That's no good, we need three
- Bill:
- 'ere 'ow many nuts you got?
- Sam:
- Get away from me!
- Moll:
- Now hold on a minute, he's got more than one ball
- Boy:
- Give it to me and I'll count them all
- Sam:
- We've got more than two balls — in fact we've got three!
- Moll:
- That's the sad thing about today's surgery
- Sam:
- Three balls on the card! You dozy old witch
- We've done it, we've done it, at last we are rich!
- Moll:
- We can now buy the business
- [To the boy] Quick go to the boss
- Hurry up now there's no time to be lost.
- George:
- You'd best take young Neddy, see'f he takes to a mount
- Bill:
- What's the worst that can happen?
- Boy:
- I'll be out for the count.
- Sam:
- Don't be so daft — he likes a good ride
- Moll:
- Are you quite sure, has anyone tried?
- BOY ATTEMPTS TO GET ON NEDDY'S BACK. NEDDY IS NOT HAVING ANY OF IT
- Sam:
- Whoa there, wait up, come on, steady Ned!
- George:
- He's given the Boy a kick in the head!
- He's out of control — grab him while you can
- Bill:
- He's head-butted mi chest, he thinks he's Zidane!
- CHAOS ENSUES AND IN THE GENERAL KERFUFFLE THE BOY IS THROWN OFF ONTO THE GROUND AND MOLL'S CHEST EXPLODES. THE 'ORSE BOLTS.
- Bill:
- What was that bang? I've gone deaf in one ear
- Sam:
- Was it an explosion in Northern Korea?
- George:
- P'raps it's a plane, like a loud sonic boom
- Bill:
- I've the strangest feeling, there's more space in the room!
- Sam:
- And what on earth's happened to our docile, young nag?
- It appears that he's bolted and quite lost his rag
- George:
- He went quite beserk, turned into a loony
- And then he ran off…
- Bill:
- A bit like Wayne Rooney
- HOODENERS' ATTENTION TURNS TO MOLL WHO IS FIDDLING WITH HER CLOTHES
- Sam:
- Hold on a tick, where have Molly's boobs gone?
- She looks all deflated, like something's gone wrong
- George:
- Her demeanour is anxious, she looks off the planet
- Sam:
- She's gone in a wink from Miss World to Miss Thanet
- Bill & George:
-
- What?
- Sam:
- Flat!
- Moll:
- My boobs have gone bust! I had 'em done cheap
- Now they've all shrivelled up, I could sit here and weep
- I just wanted to look like one of them WAGs
- Sam:
- Instead you just look like one of them slags
- George:
- Don't worry Moll, where there's blame there's a claim
- We'll return to the hospital from whence you came
- We'll need a solicitor to be on your side
- To prove that the doctors cheated and lied
- Moll:
- I don't want any aggro, or vast legal bills
- My name's old Moll, I'm not Heather Mills
- George:
- [Aside] You wouldn't have a leg to stand on…
- Bill:
- Was it round here that they did your implants?
- Moll:
- Well not exactly — I went over to France
- Sam:
- Well I wouldn't let them nip, tuck, fiddle or delve
- They're still narked with us about 2012
- Moll:
- I was just saving money, you know things are tight
- What do you think George?
- George:
- Yeah! You're right!
- BOY IS STILL LYING ON FLOOR AND CLEARS HIS THROAT
- Boy:
- Isn't anyone going to notice I'm dead
- HOODENERS ALL TAKE A STEP BACK
- Moll:
- Oh look our old Boy has been knocked out again
- George:
- Stand back! It could be polonium 210
- After all he was 'Rushin' — in a way
- Unlike that other bloke, Pinochet
- Sam:
- Oh dear! What a shame! I think that he's dead
- Floored by a fatal hoof to the head
- I think I'll just go and congratulate Ned
- Moll:
- You can't, he's run off. He scarpered and fled
- Sam:
- We must get our 'orse back
- George:
- But what of the Boy?
- Bill:
- I think we should bury him
- Sam:
- And then sing for joy
- George:
- Surely Sam you mean a lament
- Sam:
- Don't bet your life, I know what I meant.
- Moll:
- We should cover him up from his head to his feet
- What we need is a blanket or cover or sheet
- SHEET IS PRODUCED FROM SOMEWHERE. THE HOODENERS SING A LAMENT
- [To the tune of 'Danny Boy']
- Our Boy is dead, Alas! He is not breathing
- It's such a shame, by some he was adored
- But never mind 'cos looking on the bright side
- It could be worse, at least he was insured!
- Sam:
- With the Boy's life insurance we've even more money!
- Two windfalls today — now isn't that funny!
- Moll:
- I suppose if we're that rich, I could try again
- A few more procedures — a little more pain
- George:
- I could replace my instrument, and have a new fiddle
- Bill:
- I could sort out my plumbing , so I don't need to widdle
- Boy:
- Look at you all like a group of old misers
- You work on a farm you don't work for Pfizers
- All:
- He's alive!!
- Boy:
- I'm sorry to say that my life's not insured
- The payments were more than this lad could afford
- Sam:
- That's typical of the young of today
- They don't want to work and they don't want to pay
- Moll:
- Now you're here, just get going you've errands to run
- You can't sit about here, there's work to be done
- George:
- Now you've decided you're alive and not dead
- Go find the Boss, and go and find Ned
- BOY RUNS OFF
- Sam:
- I hope he don't get too distracted
- His exits seem to get more protracted
- Moll:
- He's at that age, things turn his head
- He's no mind of his own, he's easily lead
- Bill:
- And he makes things up, he's a bit of a liar
- He said he'd seen a giant on fire
- George:
- That's right, he was in a bit of a state
- That day he came back from the front at Margate
- ALL SHAKE THEIR HEADS. BOY RETURNS WITH NED
- Sam:
- Aaah, here he comes now at least he's found Ned
- And the horse seems much calmer and ready for bed
- Where did you find him? I hope you've been tender
- Boy:
- He was stuck in the pub, on a bit of a bender
- Moll:
- But what did the Boss say, will our dreams turn out real?
- Come on hurry up, is it deal or no deal?
- Boy:
- Hold on a minute I'll just phone the banker
- BOY MAKES A PHONE CALL
- Boy:
- Yes… yes… oh
- Bill:
- What did he say?
- Boy:
- He called me a…
- Moll:
- Now then, less of it. Did you tell of our plan?
- What did you say to our old Boss man
- Boy:
- I'm sorry to tell you it's not going to be
- He's done a U-turn — not the first you'll agree
- He missed his vocation — if you're asking me
- He really would make a first class MP
- Sam:
- It was nice while it lasted the dream that we had
- And we've still got the money so it isn't all bad
- Bill:
- What shall we do with all of this cash?
- Do you want some more boobs Moll?
- Moll:
- I think that's a bit rash
- I could use a new broom though, this one's a bit knackered
- Sam:
- It's not that bad Moll — once it's varnished and lacquered
- I'm sure it'll do for just one more year
- MOLL STARTS SWEEPING
- Moll:
- I suppose so. Let's see… — The 'oodeners are here!
- George:
- I bet she drinks Carling Black Label!
- Sam:
- But sometimes I think she's lost the plot
- Let's get back to ours, what other ideas've you got?
- George:
- We could buy a new plough and get rid of the 'orse
- Or we could even give it to this year's good cause
- Moll:
- So now for the bit with the serious meaning
- This year's good cause is East Kent Breast Screening
- Sam:
- They always need cash so dig deep and be kind
- And give us the silver or notes that you find
- All:
- For if ye the hooden horse do feed
- Throughout the year ye shall not need.
[Songs:]
[Tune: The Sound of Music]
The pubs are alive with the sound of Hoodening
We come and perform at this time of year
We don’t charge a fee, we just need donations
And we also demand a free pint of beer!
[Tune: Edelweiss]
Hoodeners we, famously
Performing for your pleasure
We bring cheer, you bring beer
Please don’t give us half measures
We have talents to bring to you
Our Boy can sing quite sweetly
Even though, his pitch ain’t low
Since Ned crushed his nuts so completely!
[Tune: Do, Re, Mi]
Moll: a dear, who likes her beer
Ned: an ‘orse, who’s Dobbin’s son
Boss: a bloke we never see
Boy: we kick to make him run
George: a bloke with flowery clothes
Bill: his face is black with coal
Sam: he gets up Molly’s nose
And that brings us back to Moll
[altogether now…]
Copyright (c) The Hoodeners. All rights reserved.