Hoodening Play 2004

[ENTER MOLL]
Moll:: The 'oodeners are here!; Come on you lot, let's have some quiet; I feel like I'm cornered in some kind of riot; Oi, lets have some hush from you at the back; Or else I'll be dealing a few hefty whacks!; Times are a-changing, we're getting quite flash; Our boss has decided to invest some cash; Technology's the answer — well that's what he thinks; 'though if you ask me, I think that it stinks!; I'm of the opinion the old ways are best
Sam (off-stage):: Is that why you still put grease on your chest?
[ENTER SAM]
Sam:: You're going to be chuffed, Moll, I've brought you a present
Moll:: That's rather strange, you're not usually pleasant
Sam:: It isn't from me, you stupid old bint; It's part of the boss's technology stint; He says that you need much more va-va-vroom!
Moll:: What?
Sam:: He's sent you a hoover instead of a broom!
Moll:: I don't want that thing; it's got too much suck; My broom is just fine for clearing up muck
Sam:: All right, keep your hair on, don't lose your rag; We've got to move with the times, you silly old bag
Moll:: All this newfangled stuff — it's not heaven, it's hell; But I'm not on my own, 'arry thinks so as well; Anyway where is 'arry and the rest of the crew?; I hope that they've not gone to try pastures new
[ENTER DOBBIN ET AL. TO SOUNDS OF BLEEPS AND OTHER ELECTRONIC PARAPHERNELIA; GEORGE HAS AERIAL FIXED TO HIS HAT]
Moll:: Oh no, here we go — George, whatever is that?
George:: What?
Moll:: That strange contraption that's fixed to your hat
George:: That's my satellite thing for enhanced navigation; (consults hand held screen); According to this I'm at Birchington [Broadstairs, etc.] station!
[OPPORTUNITY FOR SPECIAL LINES, ALMOST NEVER USED]
'arry:: I think it's gone wrong, George, you've got a malfunction
George:: P'raps we took a wrong turn at the junction
'arry:: I think this is silly, the world has gone mad; Whatever was wrong with the system we had?
Boy:: You're so out of touch! We need to progress!; And this stuff will help us compete, I guess; We can go where we want to and do what we choose; With all this technology we really can't lose!
'arry: (never actually said in performances — too cruel or just old news?): What, you mean like Paula Radcliffe?
Moll:: Looks like no-one escaped this technology fest; I see even Dobbin is looking his best
George:: With his go-faster stripes he might look a bit funny; But he gives Kelly Holmes a run for her money
'arry:: He's got air-conditioning in his old cart; Which helps when he lets rip a mighty, big fart
[DOBBIN DOES THE BUSINESS]
Sam:: Crikey, it might be windy in the US of A; But hurricane Dobbin has just been this way
George:: His force is destructive — he's got that eggs (X-)factor
Sam:: Too bad that he's being replaced with a tractor
[DOBBIN STAMPS ON SAM'S FOOT]
'arry:: He's having you on, nothing's taking your place; Hey, what has the Boy got there in that case?
George:: He's got our computer, it's state of the art
Sam:: Oi, give that to me Boy — you little upstart!
Moll:: Don't be so rude Sam, we're all meant to share; You keep taking that thing home, it just isn't fair!
'arry:: Yes, what are you up to — you're on it for hours; Are you looking for info on new plants and flowers?
George:: Or are you searching for cures for Dobbin's poor gut?
Moll:: More likely, I reckon, he's downloading smut!
'arry:: For someone who don't know a bit from a byte; I'll bet he's corrupting our Internet site
Moll:: What do you think George?
George:: Er, yeah, you're right!
Boy:: I know what he's up to; I've picked up some clues
'arry:: Is he trying to contact that Rebecca Loos?
Boy:: You're not that far wrong — he's got something to hide; He's trying to find him an Internet bride!
Sam:: Shut up you toe-rag, you lying, young twit; Get here and I'll rub your face in this…
All:: SAM!
Boy:: I'm telling the truth — if it's evidence you need; I've downloaded her image and printed it in threed!
All:: 3-D!
[BOY SHOWS PHOTO TO OTHERS (EVEN DOBBIN HAS A LOOK)]
'arry:: Cor! She's not a bad looker
George:: A voluptuous beast
'arry:: She looks quite exotic!
George:: Is she from the Far East?
[SAM SNATCHES PHOTO BACK]
Sam:: Thailand, if you must know, and I'll have that back; And as for you, Boy, you need a good smack
Moll:: I think she looks minging, a right moaning Minnie; She needs the assistance of Susannah and Trinny
Sam:: You can talk Moll — you look like a truck; What you need is a surgeon for a nip and a tuck
Moll:: Anyway, it's quite clear she's not one of our kind; I think you'll discover it's all in his mind!
'arry:: What are you saying, is he having us on?; Do you think that it's all an elaborate con?
Moll:: His imagination has always run riot
Sam:: Oh, for goodness sake, Moll, why don't you be quiet?; If you must know we've been talking by e-mail for ages; Our correspondence — it runs into pages; You're just jealous, your nose out of joint
George:: A long distance romance? I don't see the point!
'arry:: I sort of agree George, it's hardly a goer; Electronic mail and a chat on the blower!
Moll:: She'll never come over, it's patently clear
Sam:: Well, that's where you're wrong Moll — she's already here!
'arry:: You're pulling our leg Sam
Moll:: He's lying, I'll bet!
George:: Did she fly Cathay Pacific?
Sam:: No, EU Jet
All:: What?
Sam:: And she's having my baby, we're going to get wed
'arry:: You've got to be joking!
George:: What's he just said?
'arry:: That was quick work Sam, you've only just met!; You've scored straight away! Put one in the net!; They'll sign you for England — you'll wipe the floor; And do better than Euro 2004!
Moll:: When did you first meet her? In person, I mean
Sam:: Last Monday, dear Molly, I knew you'd be green
Moll:: So when did you 'do it', if I can be trite?; 'cos if you ask me something don't seem quite right; If you only just met her a few days ago; Do you think that it's true, can she already know?
'arry:: I suppose, as usual, Sam knows the best
Moll:: But are you quite sure that she's done a test?
Sam:: She took her A levels only last week; She's not like Prince Harry — she didn't cheat!
Moll:: That's not quite what I meant Sam, is he really so dense?; He's as stupid as you George, no offence
George:: None taken
[A PHONE RINGS AND ALL HOODENERS SEARCH ABOUT THEIR PERSON LOOKING FOR THEIR MOBILES (EVEN DOBBIN). ALL ANSWER SIMULTANEOUSLY, EXCEPT GEORGE, WHO TAKES A WHILE TO EXTRACT HIS (HOUSE-)'BRICK'.]
All:: The 'oodeners are here!
[ALL SHRUG AND PUT PHONES AWAY EXCEPT SAM]
Sam:: Hello, my dear!
[SAM PUTS PHONE AWAY]
Sam:: Ha ha! Oh ye of little faith, you may mock no more; My beautiful fiancée is just outside the door!
George:: What's her name Sam?
Sam:: It's Karma with a 'K'
'arry:: What, is she Karma Sutra?
Sam:: No, she's Karma Long Wei
George:: Karm again, what did he say?
Moll:: Karma Chameleon?
Sam:: No, Karma Long Wei!
[ENTER BEAUTIFUL EXOTIC LADY (KARMA LONG WEI), LOOKING RATHER BULBOUS AROUND THE MIDRIFF]
Karma:: Greetings, fine, good English men — to you a Happy Chrisst Mass!
Boy:: Crikey! She's a shocking sight!
George:: She is a rather big lass!
'arry:: She don't look like her photo, her proportions are all wrong!
Moll:: She's certainly got film star looks — she's a ringer for King Kong
Sam:: Take no notice my sweet love, they're as jealous as can be; I've told them 'bout the baby and our plans for matrimony
Karma:: I am please to have Sam's baby, I can't wait to be his bride; I will be good wife and mother, I will never leave his side!
[THE OTHERS HAVE HUDDLED TOGETHER]
Boy:: I don't know that much about girls and their ways; But I think she's been pregnant for more than ten days
Moll:: She is rather weighty, she looks quite a sight!; What do you think George?
George:: I think you're right!
'arry:: Sam's not the father, she's got him well hooked; If you're asking me her bun's almost cooked!
[MOLL PULLS SAM TO ONE SIDE]
Moll:: I don't think it's yours Sam — you're not the dad; She's pulling your plonker — I think you've been had; I think that the father is somebody else
Sam:: What makes you say that?
Moll:: She's the size of a house!
Sam:: She's just well built
'arry:: Like an ocean-going tanker
Sam:: You shut your mouth, you jealous old…
All:: SAM!
Karma:: You English gentlemen, please do not fight; If you are not careful your horse will give fright
[KARMA STROKES DOBBIN — DOBBIN LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE]
George:: She's right, best calm down and quash all this din; Let's have some ale — who's getting them in?
'arry:: Hey, what's happened to Dobbin? He's started to squirm; He don't look too good, I think he's got worms
Moll:: You don't think it's fatal? He's not run his course?; I'm fond of old Dobbin — we need our old horse!
George:: If he's got worms they need getting out; Stick your hand up his jacksy — have a feel about
Moll:: I'm not James Herriott, you do it yourself; I'm not that concerned about Dobbin's health
'arry:: What of Moll's hoover, we could use it to suck; That should clear Dobbin of whatever is stuck
Boy:: Make sure it's set right — put on suck and not blow; Else he might get inflated and pop — you don't know!
[WORMS ARE EXTRACTED USING THE HOOVER]
Moll:: Well that's got that out, but he still looks quite sick; I think we should get some more help, double quick!
'arry:: Professional assistance is what we need to get; Someone should take him to see a good vet
Sam:: Quick Boy, you take him, mount our fine steed; And ride like the wind with the greatest of speed
[BOY MOUNTS DOBBIN, DOBBIN REARS AND BOY FALLS OFF HITTING HIS HEAD]
'arry:: Oh crikey he's fallen, he's battered his head
Moll:: I'm fearing the worst; I think that he's dead
George:: We should cover the body to make it discreet; And show our respects — what we need is a sheet
Karma:: Here's one
Moll:: How come she's prepared? It seems a bit strange; How could she know we'd a wake to arrange?
'arry:: I agree that it's odd but there is some good news; Dobbin seems fine — he is grazing anew; I've found out the cause of his melancholy; Someone had turned up his in-horse CD!; The music was deafening, it had damaged his ears
Sam:: I think we all need some medicinal beers!
Boy:: Did someone say beer? I could do with a drink!
George:: What was that noise?
'arry:: It's the young 'un I think!
[BOY GETS UP]
All:: He's alive!
Boy:: I'm suspecting foul play and I'm smelling a rat!; And I'm thinking exactly I know where it's at; She nobbled poor Dobbin when she fondled his mane!
Sam:: Fondled his what?
Boy:: There's more dirty tricks than an election campaign
Sam:: Leave her alone Boy she's nothing to hide
Boy:: Wanna bet? I don't think that's a baby inside!
[A TUSSLE ENSUES AS THE BOY TRIES TO 'ATTACK' KARMA WITH SAM TRYING TO STOP HIM. DURING THE STRUGGLE SOMETHING DISLODGES FROM UNDER KARMA'S DRESS.]
Moll:: There's something protruding from under her dress!
Boy:: This woman's no lady at all, is my guess
[BOY DE-WIGS KARMA]
George:: Now she looks neither like one thing nor t'other
'arry:: P'raps it's that Nadia, from telly's Big Brother
Karma:: My equipment's gone wrong and my wires are all fused; Things are faulty down here, I'm being abused!
[MOLL HAS SIDLED UP TO KARMA AND EYES HIM UP AMOROUSLY]
Moll:: His equipment looks perfectly OK to me; It seems to be functioning satisfactorily!; I don't like his frillies, but I quite like his frock; But something tells me he's not from Bangkok
George:: His face is familiar — now his agony's ceased
'arry:: I thought that you said you were from the Far East
Karma:: I am, I'm from Birchington
'arry:: Ah now that he says that, I know where he's been; He's one of our rivals from yon ploughing team; So what's your game, eh? And why the pretence?; You've upset our Sam and you've caused us offence
Boy:: I know what he is! An industrial spy; He's after our secrets, I want to know why
Karma:: S'pose now I've been rumbled I'll have to come clean; I am from an old, neighbouring, ploughing team; I was charged with the task of planting some bugs
'arry:: What do you take us for — some kind of mugs?
Karma:: Well, yes, since you're asking — I consider you four; [Other five Hoodeners look puzzled, then count everyone else and appear satisfied]; Are not really the sharpest knives in the drawer (especially him!)
Moll:: You cheeky young beggar, see him off Sam; Fuse his equipment, so he goes bang!
[SMALL TUSSLE (AND EXPLOSION); EXIT KARMA]
'arry:: Thank goodness he's gone, he got me all riled
Moll:: How on earth did you think that you'd got her/him 'with child'?; I can't understand why in all the debacle; You didn't notice his thick hairy chest…
George:: or his tackle!
Moll:: Tell us exactly how your evening was spent; Don't be embarrassed, our interest is well meant!
Sam:: We went for a meal — for a burger and chips; I thought that she looked a bit strange round the lips
All:: And…?
Sam:: We went for a walk and then after a pause…
All:: Yes?
Sam:: I admit that we then held hands — out of doors
All:: And?!
Sam:: That was it — she ran off for her bus; You've embarrassed me now with all of this fuss
Moll:: Did you think she was being a bit of a tease; Or were you not taught 'bout the birds and the bees?
'arry:: You must know that you need to do more than just talk!
Sam:: I know that there has to be a visit from a stork!
George:: Oh, come off it Sam, you must watch the box; You must know what's under those dresses and frocks!
'arry:: And those nature programmes, all that mountin' and stuff
Sam:: What you mean like St Helens, have I got to erupt?
Dobbin:: In a manner of speaking…
Boy:: You have to do more than just bill and coo
Sam:: She held onto my sausage while I went to the loo!
'arry:: You could get arrested for that
Moll:: You remember last winter when Dobbin saw action; That mare he was with gave him great satisfaction; They galloped around in that field full of clover; Then the dirty old sod got his hoof over!
[SAM LOOKS PUZZLED]
'arry:: You must remember his great big willy!
Sam:: I seem to recall he just looked a bit silly
George:: It seems that he needs a bit of a push; Babies aren't found 'neath a prickly bush
Moll:: A prick of a Bush, did you just say?; Isn't he the president of the US of A?
Boy:: Following the last presidential election
Sam (interrupting):: I think that there ought to be an erection
All:: He's got it — at last!
[SAM STILL LOOKS PUZZLED]
Dobbin:: Lucky him
George:: Now that we've sorted the birds from the bees; We'd be grateful for quiet
'arry:: A little hush please
Karma:: This year we're collecting for a few local causes; Including one which looks after sick horzes; [Dobbin, occasionally: "Who're you calling thick?" etc.]; Demelza House is another — a horse-pice for kids; So give us your coppers and silver and quids
All:: For if ye the Hooden Horse do feed; Throughout the year ye shall not need!

[Song: 'Karma's Song']