Hoodening Play 2000

All:: Hail to the master […]
Moll:: The 'oodeners are 'ere! Now let's 'ave some hush
Or you'll feel the end of my old birch brush.
The year 2000 is coming to a close,
'bout time we started our traditional prose.
The men 'ave been out, they've 'ad a few drinks,
They sound half cut, and they don't half stink.
[The others traipse in looking bedraggled, all singing 5 Jolly Hoodening Boys]
'arry:: The rain's bin pouring, it just hasn't stopped
Been out in the fields till we nearly dropped
Boy:: The boss 'ad us ploughing until gone eight
With all that water, the fields are like lakes
Sam:: The rain hits the ground with the force of a Chinook
Praps we could enlist the help of Charlie Dimmock?
George:: Neil Kinnock, who the hell is he?
Sam:: No, pillock, he is a she!
George:: Wot like Moll is that what you mean?
'arry:: No George, our Molly wouldn't make Sam so keen!
Boy:: Isn't she the one that helps out in the gardon
When she bends over it gives me a hard…
Moll:: That's enough Boy, these people don't care for your wayward mind
Your hormonal experiments will make you go blind
Boy:: I can't help it, it's in me genes!
Sam:: That's where you should keep it, else you'll cause a scene
'arry:: 'tis true that the farm resembles a water feature
And it's taken its toll on this smelly creature
[points at Dobbin]
Boy:: It's been a good year for the Olympic team
A host of medals at Sydney they gleaned
Not least in the rowing, the boys did us proud
Moll:: I noticed that they were well endowed!
The constant motion of rowlocks and oars
Oh I enjoyed the coxless fours!
Sam:: It's nice to see the older generation
Can still provide a celebration
George:: Steve Redgrave deserves a medal for what he did!
Providing inspiration for all our kids
Sam:: They certainly gave it their all that night
Don't you think George?
George:: Yeah, you're right
Boy:: What about performance enhancing drugs?
Sam:: Why, 'ave you got some then?
Boy:: There's this new tablet that's sold on the internet
Like Viagra its effects are immediate
It's made by the boffins who work down at Pfizer's
You know, the pill that causes tents in yer trisers
But while Viagra keeps Percy 'on-guard'
This new pill's for eyes, it makes you look 'ard!
[Dobbin looks 'ard]
All:: The Boy's a prat and we all know it
Sam:: It seems to me he don't give a… (damn)!
'arry:: What's been happening since we saw you last?
There's plenty to tell, if these folk sit fast
[SPECIAL LINES FOR EACH HOUSE]
George:: We've all suffered from blockades and shortage of fuel
At the time their actions seemed a bit cruel
Sam:: But there was good reason for stopping the tankers
The farmer's are desperate, not like the bankers
Moll:: Gaffer asked 'arry to go fetch some more fuel
Nowt left in the barn for the engines and tools
Boy:: This job needs some muscle, no good for old Sam
So off he went with a five gallon can
Sam:: At the garage he stood alongside the pumps
Took out 'is hose and started draining the sumps
[Dobbin sways]
Boy:: But, in his haste to get back to the farm
He dispensed the petrol all over 'is arm!
"Oh bugger!" he said,
[Dobbin jumps]
(Boy): "Now I need a smoke!"
Moll:: Not heeding the signs, he's that sort of bloke
George:: In a moment of brash carelessness
He lit up a match right close to his chest
The flame from the match spread across to 'is arm
Moll:: "Put it out!" he shouted, "It's causing me harm"
Sam:: Now the local bobby, come down from the nick
Saw 'arry jumping around and looking real sick / like a prick
Moll:: He said, "Can't you read? Ain't you got any sense?"
And arrested him for a firearms offence!
'arry:: I knew I couldn't trust you to keep it to yerself
You bite yer lip Moll, or I'll damage your health
Boy:: There's a lesson learned for those enraged
By the fuel crisis when it was fully engaged
George:: I blame it on the government
That Tony Blair thinks he's heaven sent
Sam:: The farmers protested, workers and all
We went for a skive, Moll wore her best shawl
Moll:: The many protesters, and the convoys of truckers
Boy:: I reckon they took us all for a bunch of suckers
'arry:: The crisis now averted it has made me think
Petroleum products do cause such a stink
The increase of gas created by millions
Gives off more hot air than Robbie Williams
Boy:: Don't you mean Noel Gallagher?
George:: Yes, but that wouldn't rhyme…
Boy:: Carbon dioxide you know, warms up the planet
Sam:: I wish it would bloody well warm up Thanet!
Moll:: Global warming, methinks, has caused this situation
House insurance is sure to be higher than inflation
Boy:: 'twas Sam I reckon, who's causing the pollution,
Of methane followed by climate execution.
Sam:: One great blast from my behind
Could signal the end for all mankind!
[Sam obliges — Dobbin sways]
George:: Well I'd certainly give him a wide berth,
But it's not that easy getting past his girth.
[Sam threatens George]
Boy:: I'm more concerned about his effect on the earth!
'arry:: Praps it's time that we went more green
Promoting the benefits of our ploughing team
Moll:: The Boy's worked hard making Dobbin renewable
He's gasoline free, but has he thought through it all?
What have you got to make the nag more efficient?
Boy:: I'll go fetch it, I hope it's sufficient
'arry:: Boy, you are the weakest link, Goodbye
Boy:: I think Sam should go next — he's forgotten 3 lines already.
[Boy goes off — Bang! Dobbin looks restless]
Sam:: Don't know about the weakest link — more like the missing link!
Moll:: 'ere! what about this channel tunnel rail link?
Cutting through our land, what do you think?
George:: To reduce travel times is its purpose
Sam:: Well let's face it, it couldn't get much worse
Moll:: By 15 minutes it will cut the journey
And stop the commuters from being so surly
It'll wind its way between Paris and Kent
It makes you wonder how much has been spent
'arry:: It might be good for Europe's integration
But you'll still 'ave to wait at Birchington station
Sam:: This time Railtrack have gone too far
It's even missed out St Nicholas and Sarre!
[Dobbin falls over]
George:: We should bring back the horse and cart
[Dobbin gets kicked / hauled up]
(George): For the environment we'd be doing our part
Sam:: He's got a point, we could make a revival
Of alternative transport and ensure our survival
'arry:: That's just plain daft,
You wouldn't catch me behind Dobbin's aft!
Moll:: D'ya think that folk would be happy to ride
Downwind of the nag and his backside?
Sam:: You'd be riding along, without further ado
George:: Next minute you'd find you'd be covered in poo!
[Dobbin drops his guts]
All:: Oh no!
Sam:: I knew it was a bad idea
To let the Boy write the script this year
I thought our play seemed a bit loose
Rough round the edges; even obtuse
Moll:: Sam'll use any old excuse to 'ave a go and hurl abuse
I think our lad is a cunning linguist
It might not be pretty but I get the gist
Sam:: If you ask me he's just half pissed!
[Boy returns with silver shining coat or tinfoil, with a tin can to strap around Dobbin's muzzle. Boy has something hidden behind his back.]
George:: 'ere comes the Boy, hold on to the jade
[Dobbin looks shocked!]
'arry:: Christ, I think I need to wear shades!
Moll:: What's this contraption and where does it go?
Some sort of coat?
George:: I wouldn't know
Sam:: It's some kinda garment, all shiny and glittering
Looks kinda daft, I can't stop tittering
Boy:: Solar power I have harnessed to make the horse
Improve 'is power on the plough of course
[Attaches coat to Dobbin]
'arry:: He's gone quite mad, his scheme is too vague
Moll:: He's had 14 pints just like William Hague
Sam:: And what's this tin can that the Boy brings?
Boy:: It's Red Bull for energy, it gives you wings!
Sam (aside):: He's definitely the missing link!
His plan does seem a little rash —
He's even made Dobbin's balls flash…
[Dobbin's nether regions are exposed]
'arry:: He's gone too far this time
I'm sure it's through no fault of mine
That our lad just hasn't got a clue
Boy:: I've just remembered I could do with the loo
[Boy tries to leave]
'arry:: Not so fast you little sod
You're not skivin' off on yer tod!
Moll:: Leave him be, he's done you no harm!
Boy:: I've got nothing to hide, you're hurting my arm!
'arry:: What 'ave you got hidden behind yer back?
It looks very much like my new hat!
I lost it when we were down Shuart Lane
Back in the summer harvesting the grain
Boy:: You dropped it that night at the fair!
I kept it safe; for me to wear!
Moll:: 'twas during the summer, down at Quex Park
We were all drinking, it was well before dark
Sam:: Before it was time for 'arry's round
He wandered off, without a sound
George:: The Boy went to find him, didn't 'ave to look far
And found him leaning, up against a car
Boy:: He wasn't leaning, he was p…
'arry:: Why you… !
['arry lunges for Boy, chases him around Dobbin. Boy then jumps on Dobbin's back and the horse careers into 'arry who lands on the floor.]
Moll:: He's down, collapsed, laid right out flat
Deceased I think.
George:: I dunno about that.
Moll:: He's an ex-Wagoner, he's kicked the bucket
He's gone ahead, he's… Oh, fff… forget it!
Sam:: In fact this ain't an uncommon sight
He's like this every Wednesday / Thursday / Friday / Saturday night
Boy, cover him up with that sheet over there
Conceal his wounds that Dobbin laid bare
[Boy covers 'arry with sheet, Moll leans over corpse]
Moll:: Look at all the blood and gore!
Sam:: Good! We won't have to put up with 'im anymore!
Moll:: Sam! Not while he's laid out on the floor
George:: Talking about gore, did you see the presidential erection?
Others:: What?!
Boy:: No, George, I must make a correction
What I wrote was eLection!
George:: Whatever, I thought it was groovy
Boy:: There was more bush and gore than a Channel 5 movie!
Moll:: What's up with you lot, ain't you got no remorse
Whilst 'arry's lying 'ere like Inspector Morse
Boy:: His time is up just like the Inspector
Let's celebrate with some amber nectar!
I could do with a glass or maybe more
Sam:: Let's get the beers in while he's still on the floor!
Moll:: Our leader is gone, now who'll take his place?
Boy:: We'll I've got his hat, it quite suits my face
The Wagonner I shall be, an example to all
I'll make the most of 'arry's unfortunate fall
Sam:: Not so fast Boy, you'll have to wait another year
In the meantime we'll stop for a glass of beer
Moll:: 'arry always liked the odd drink — or three
Sam:: Let's 'ave one for him (he was always pissed you see)
['arry is resuscitated by the talk of booze]
'arry:: Oi! Save some for me!
['arry regains his feet, helped by charitable colleagues]
All:: He's alive!
'arry:: I'm not ready for the chop just yet, you'll find
And Boy, I'll take back my hat if you don't mind
['arry grabs the hat roughly from the Boy]
Boy:: Well if I must, I don't wanna cause a fight
I best keep the peace, eh George?
George:: Yeah, yer right!
Moll:: For a minute there we thought you were a goner
'arry:: I must admit I thought my spirit didn't wanna
Make it through to the new century
George:: At least we can see in the new year, with hope and with glee
Sam:: Let's finish our play, 'cos I need a pee
Boy:: Just before we depart, our cause this year
Bear with us, while we bend your ear
George:: Molly's quite old, and as we jested and punned
She suggested collecting for our benevolent fund
"For ourselves for a change!" is what she says
"Just like they did in the good old days"
'arry:: Collect coppers, get drunk, then fall on a stretcher
Though now other coppers would be likely to getcha
Moll:: But stretchers are useful — in the right hands —
Especially for example in an air ambulannnnz
Sam:: The Kent team's in need of financial aid
With more cash their expenses could be defrayed
George:: Their need is greater than ours, we agreed,
So in the name of our sturdy steed,
Please do your best to honour the nag…
It takes loadsa notes to fill 'is nosebag
All:: But if ye the Hooden horse do feed,
Throughout the year ye shall not need!