Hoodening Play 1998

All:
Hail to the master
Moll:
The 'oodeners are 'ere!
All right you lot, cut out the din
Let's have some hush when the others come in
Just clear a space to avoid a crush
Or I'll clout you with the end of my brush!
They are a bit late, I'll give 'em a shout
Come on you lot… sort yourselves out!
[Others come in]
'arry:
All right Moll, we're on our way
We've had a right pig of a day
Come on Dobbin you lazy old jade
He seems a bit poorly tonight I'm afraid
Boy:
A little bit slow, he don't look the part
George:
He can't even find the energy to fart
Sam:
I don't know about that (aside)
'arry:
These people here have been good an' waited
Sam:
Maybe he's just constipated
Molly:
That's good news for all their noses
Last year was good for all their roses
Boy:
By the end of the evening we'll have to pay

George:
Let's get it sorted, that's what I say
Sam:
The build up of gas inside his guts
Could blow us all to Westbere Butts
Moll:
Speaking of wind, it's rough outside
It's good to get shelter here inside
'arry:
We've come all the way up Shuart Lane
Struggling on through hail and rain
George:
I can't remember a grottier day
An' it was murder crossing that Thanet Way
Sam:
We dodged that car when it swerved for a duck
And Dobbin just missed that fifty foot truck
Boy:
It gave us a soaking… just our luck
Furthermore he's plastered with muck (pointing to Dobbin)
Moll:
He looks done in, that's certainly true
He may even have a dose of the flu
'arry:
There old fellah sit down on this bale
While Sam carries on telling our tale
Sam:
What a funny old year it's bin 'tis true
Boy:
And our 'arry's become a grandad too
Sam:
He had a few beers and ended up drunk
More went down than when the Titanic sunk
Moll:
I think here I should complain
'cos most of his came up again
'arry:
We certainly downed a few that night
I'll say George!
George:
Yeah you're right
Sam:
Our Boy's new look is trying to be macho
He reckons himself a Leonardo Di Caprio
Moll:
He won't attract ladies I'll bet
'cos he looks more like Kate Winslet
Sam:
Still it's bin tough working out in the field
Slaving away to produce a yield
Some crops have failed and others flourished
George:
You look more than just well nourished
Sam:
It's all because the weather's been iffy
Moll:
I still think Dobbin looks a bit squiffy
His coat's all matted, his hair is lanker
George:
He may well have a dose of canker
Moll:
For precautions sake, we should call out a vet
'arry:
No, hang on, he might pull round yet
But first some words about our host
Go on Sam/Boy/George/'arry, you know the most
[SPECIAL LINES FOR EACH HOUSE]
Boy:
What of Dobbin, there's no improvement
In fact he shows no sign of movement
Sam:
Maybe he's in a lot of pain
George:
I think he's gone and farted again
Sam:
Something different's needed, now what's that I've seen?
Boy:
Alternative medicine, is that what you mean?
'arry:
We can't go private 'cause money's too tight
What do you think George?
George:
Maybe you're right
Moll:
What sort of thing should we try?
Is there much we have to buy?
Boy:
Aromatherapy springs to mind
Sam:
He's already good at that you'll find
Boy:
No, this is relaxing, massaging with oils
George:
I tried that once, got covered in boils!
Moll:
That's because you used the wrong stuff
'orse linament would make you feel a bit rough
'arry:
You're not massaging that horse surely
Just the thought makes me feel poorly
Boy:
'praps then we'll try some form of hypnosis
Hand me a watch, that's my prognosis
Sam:
How about this, it might suffice
Boy:
Now swing it about in front of his eysssss
[Dobbin's head goes from side to side]
George:
Look, he's going into a trance
Starting to do some form of dance
Going back to when he was young
He was full of life…
Moll:
And so well hung!
['arry whispers in Dobbin's ear]
'arry:
Eh Dobbin, what are you thinking?
'ang on, his eyes are blinking
Moll:
Maybe some old thought that was deeply hidden
Like some old mare that everyone's ridden
Boy:
'praps he was thinking of Njinskey
Sam:
More likely to be Monika Lewinsky
'our Monika, was one of Clinton's band
A sort of mouth organ I understand?
[Some venues: enter Boss' Daughter or very young Dobbin for dream sequence]
Sam:
Who's this? 'tis Boss' Daughter
What's she doing 'ere? It's an ill wind that's brought her…
Boss' Daughter:
Greetings All!
You thought you'd seen the last of me
But I've come back as you can see
And just because I'm no longer a resident
Don't mean I can't "pull" a president
Yes I've been to the US of A
Just come back the other day
I stopped off for a while down at Sarre
To plan new ways to roll a cigar
Not that you lot stand a chance
I'm off now, my career to enhance
The dress I've used to pull this stunt
You can't see any stains down the front?
I've long since learnt Hoodening doesn't pay
I'm off, ta-ta, have a nice day!
[Exit]
'arry:
Anything else we haven't tried?
George:
Shiatsu!
Sam:
Bless you!
George:
          No, stand aside
This is all about manipulation
'arry:
Of various bones, no stipulation
Moll:
You're not going to put your hand up there!
'arry:
Yeh, we can start off anywhere
My whip and hat you tek 'em
[Dobbin kicks 'arry]
Sam:
Ah! he thinks he's David Beckham
[Red card is held up]
George:
Could we have some towels, soap and hot water?
So's 'arry can get to Dobbin's hind quarter
'arry:
Somehow I don't feel up to it
Anyway his backside's full of sh…
Boy:
I think we should try at this juncture
To explore the benefits of acupuncture
George:
Is that when someone gives you a poke?
Boy:
More than one now get me a spoke
From the wheel of that bike parked outside
Ah, you've done it already, now into his side
[No movement]
Let's try another behind his ears
Moll:
This could all end in tears
[No luck]
Boy:
One more try let's end this farce
Go on stick it up his ar…
[Dobbin goes berserk & flattens Boy]
Moll:
The Boy's fallen he can't be dead
Sam:
There's a bloody swelling on his head
We'll need to take some action fast
'arry:
Don't think I've got Elastoplast
You always were a bit of a jerk
Alternative medicine don't seem to work
George:
We should go back to old ways of healing
Like using leeches that's my feeling
And just to prove that I'm alert
I 'appen to have one up my shirt!
[A stick of liquorice etc. is produced]
'arry:
It's not too big it looks underfed
Go on stick it onto the Boys head
[Leech sticks to Boy who crys out & then dies]
Moll:
He's dead, struck down so young
Sam:
I s'pose we'd best get our song sung
But first let's cover him with our sheet
Before he goes his maker to meet
[They cover him with the sheet]
George:
He's gone already I think you'll find
I'll fetch my fiddle if you don't mind
[Play death march]
'arry:
Let's put him down, he's grown in weight
Anyway, he's met his fate
Moll:
What'll we do without a lad
He really wasn't all that bad
[Moll snuffles]
Sam:
We're best without him the little weed
It's one less mouth for us to feed
Moll:
Sam! that's you true to form
How could you? He's still warm
'arry:
We could still save him from this state
If we found some way to resuscitate
There's nowt available on national health
Sam:
And I'm not giving mouth to mouth
The thought of that is too obscene
George:
Anyway you don't know where he's been
Sam:
I do (aside)
'arry:
I've got a mate who works in research
He may get us out the lerch
Moll:
What d'ya mean, I'm none the wiser
'arry:
Well, he's the one that works at Pfizer
[Sam looks knowingly]
'arry:
He gave me these pills, they act very swift (shows blue smarties)
George:
What do they do?
'arry:
They give you a lift
As I got 'em he gave me a wink
Moll:
What did he call them?
'arry:
Niagra I think
Sam:
Niagra! your brain won't win prizes
Niagra falls — Viagra rises!
[They give him the pills… something moves under sheet and Boy stands up]
Moll:
Good grief Boy keep out of my way
That's a fair sight for this time of day
[Dobbin eats rest of pills and charges around]
Boy:
No it's not the pills that made me feel right
But one of the spokes from that bloody bike
George:
Oh no! Dobbin's finished off the pills
They seem to have cured all his ills
'arry:
We'll never catch him, best let him run loose
While we have some beers, p'raps on the hoose
[Dobbin runs amok]
Moll:
Say that in The Bell and he'll ban yer
Not a good advert for Cool Brittannia
Sam:
No wonder old Dobbin's got the farties
These tablets here are blue smarties
'arry:
At least it's sorted his problem out
We'll tell you now what our collection's about
Boy:
Our main cause this year is close to home
George:
Is it for that there Millennium Dome?
Moll:
No it's for something much more worthwhile
A building that has far greater style
Sam:
Our local church is crumbling quickly of late
It's cracking up fast — it's in a bit of a state
'arry:
There's a great big split right down one side
Like the Boy's trousers it's gaping wide
Boy:
You may remember, at least some of you
The earthquake caused that in 1932
George:
What, your trousers? (aside)
All:
Shut up!
George:
Falling flintstones are causing trouble
Boy:
They'll end up as Barney Rubble (groan…)
Moll:
The parapets are crumbling too
George:
I think mine are, don't know about you
Boy:
Certain windows are eroded
Sam:
The weathervane is corroded
Moll:
Repairs are needed to the merlons up top
The list is long, it just doesn't stop
'arry:
A record sum needs to be collected
Sam:
So our old building can stay erected!
Boy:
Being Christmas we think of children of course
So an amount to Childline will be sent from this source
George:
Please dig deep in your pockets we'll take your last pound
Just give it to Moll when the nosebag comes round
[Last performance only]
We're hoping to collect a handy sum
Not embezzle it all like Mandelson

For…
All:
If ye the hooden horse do feed
Throughout the year ye shall not need!

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