Hoodening Play 2006

Bill:
The 'oodeners are here!
A bit of hush please and less of your lip
Or else you'll be getting a crack of my whip
(Calm down Madam — it's not that sort of an evening)
The others are coming; can you hear a dull moan?
I expect that it's Sam cos he's prone to a groan.
SOUND OF APPROACHING HOODENERS. ENTER ALL EXCEPT MOLL
Sam:
Hey hold on a minute, something's not right
Boy:
There's one of us missing… George?
George:
[Quietly] No I'm here. [Louder] Yeah! You're right!
Boy:
I know who it is now. Come on, where's old Moll?
Sam:
She's been given the sack. She's now on the dole!
Bill:
Now don't be so cruel Sam, I'm sure that's not true
George:
P'raps she's gone to the ladies. Popped off to the loo.
Sam:
She's not getting no younger, her bladder's quite weak.
Bill:
I know how she feels — hold my whip while I leak.
Sam:
Get out of it.
George:
It's a break with tradition 'cos Moll always starts
Boy:
And I always get kicked.
HOODENERS ALL KICK THE BOY
Bill:
                      And the 'orse always farts
THE HORSE OBLIGES. ALL LOOK AT THE 'ORSE
George:
There's something else odd — this 'ere 'orse ain't the same.
He's got odd looking hoofs and a new fashioned mane
Sam:
That's 'cos he's new — our old Dobbin retired
This here's a replacement, a new one we hired.
Dobbin lives off his pension — he achieved his main goal
He's living it up on the Costa del Cole
Bill:
So where's this one from? Has he come far?
George:
Sandgate, Whitstable, Deal…?
Sam:
                      No, Sarre.
George:
Seems a bit odd, is there something to tell?
Sam:
Well, he's old Dobbin's son. Can't you tell by the smell?
HORSE FARTS
Boy:
So what is he called? Has the 'orse got a name?
Sam:
He answers to Neddy. If he don't — tug his mane [Sam demonstrates]
George:
Surely Neddy's a name for a mule not an 'orse
Are you sure that he's pure bred?
Neddy:
                    Cheeky bugger!
Sam:
                      Of course!
There are certain bits that are said to resemble
Parts of a donkey…
Bill:
                      The thought makes me tremble.
Sam:
His ears for example are pointed and long
And I think he's quite stubborn and he's meant to be strong.
All:
Oh
Sam:
Anyway, where's that cow with her hat and her broom?
I've had a look round — she's not in the room
Bill:
Boy, you'd best go and find her
Boy:
                      But where shall I go?
I haven't got radar
George:
Neither's Manston you know
Bill:
Just trust your instinct and follow your nose
Sam:
That's not bad advice — there's a stench to her clothes.
BOY GOES OFF
Sam:
We've heard tell through the grapevine our boss is retiring
You know the one — does the hiring and firing
George:
He's selling the business so we'll have a new boss
Don't know 'bout you, but it makes me quite cross
Bill:
Hey! I could step in his shoes, he could hand me the crown
George:
Your name's just old Bill, you're not Gordon Brown
Sam:
Anyway, we came up with a quite cunning plot
We'll all pitch in money to see what we've got.
George:
We'll form a co-operative — own it together
Bill:
Then we'll run it ourselves, whatever the weather
George:
We've not told the boss yet, we're biding our time,
We'll swoop in with a bid cut him off in his prime!
Bill:
There's only one problem, between us we're skint
George:
So we're trying to raise cash
Sam:
                      Where's that silly old bint?
ENTER BOY LOOKING STUNNED AND POINTING TOWARDS DOOR
Bill:
Here's our boy back, have you found our dear Molly?
George:
He don't look quite right
Sam:
                      That's 'cos he's a wally!
Bill:
Now calm down young lad, did you find her — just nod!
BOY NODS
George:
P'raps he's just had an encounter with God
ENTER MOLL, WITH A VERY LARGE CHEST
All:
Oh my…
HOODENERS ARE LARGELY RENDERED SPEECHLESS
George:
I don't want to alarm you but something's got down your vest
Sam:
I can't quite see your face, it's obscured by your chest
Moll:
I knew you'd be jealous, I've had them enhanced
What do you think of my silicone implants?
Bill:
Blimey, Molly I'm stunned.
Boy:
[Recovering but mesmerised] I think they're quite nice
You look a bit like that young Katie Price
Sam:
[Aside, singing?!] I looked over Jordan, and what did I see…
Moll:
It's that look that I'm after, a young winsome girl
I thought I'd make money — give modelling a whirl
Sam:
You could model for Airfix or Hornby if you must
'cept one of them's recently bitten the dust (it's gone bust!) [ha ha]
George:
Why not aim for the top? With some rhythmical prancing
You could join the stars on Celebrity Come Dancing
Bill:
I've got to be honest, you don't quite look the part
Now how can I put this you look like…
Sam:
                      A tart.
Moll:
Least I'm making an effort to raise us some cash
And in the meantime I cut quite a dash
I'm a bit of a babe now when all's said and done
So I'm letting my hair down, I'm going to have fun
George:
Well good on you Moll for getting a life
Do you fancy it Sam?
Sam:
[Looks horrified] What?
George:
                      Going under the knife
Moll:
Here, look at the brochure, they can plump up your lips
Or iron out wrinkles or suck fat from your hips
They can straighten out bits that are bent and all wonky
Or extend certain parts so you're hung like a donkey!
Boy:
What do you think Sam? You could look like The Hoff!
Muscular, bronzed
Sam:
                      You can all bugger off
It's not right — it's not cricket and they're not the rules
No-ones to go tampering with my set of balls.
Moll:
They can even do things for animals as well
What do you think Ned?
NEDDY KICKS OUT
Moll:
                      Ooof! Bloody hell!
Sam:
'ere what's up with Neddy — he's looking quite queer
George:
P'raps he's dehydrated — quick give him a beer
He's prone to binge drinking, like the youth of today
Moll:
He prefers a kebab to a bale full of hay!
Bill:
He don't look too good — see he's all of a quiver.
George:
P'raps it's the cold that's making him shiver
Boy:
Is he on the way out? — he's in some jeopardy
Sam:
He's got similar problems to Charles Kennedy
NEDDY DROPS A LOAD
Sam:
Like father, like son — his insides ain't quite right
Bill:
What do you think George?
George:
                      Er, yeah! You're right!
Sam:
Beware all you drinkers — an excess of beer
Is likely to end with this foul diarrhoea
Bill:
Like Ned, I've had a few — now you mention it
I've got to go quick, I could do with a…
BILL RUNS OFF
Moll:
Where's he gone off to he gives me the jitters
George:
He needed the toilet
Sam:
                      'Cos he's got the squitters
Boy:
All this talk about poo has caused me to think
Sam:
If we push you in it, we'll cause you to stink!
SAM PUSHES BOY
Boy:
Geroff… We could pile it all up, put a peg on our noses
And sell it to people to put round their roses
HOODENERS MURMUR APPROVAL, BILL COMES BACK
Bill:
Ooh that's better.
As a last ditch attempt I thought I would see
If we could win on the lottery
I've bought us a scratch card
Sam:
                      Oi give us it here
I need something to scratch it with
George:
                      I need a beer!
Neddy:
Here's a coin
Sam:
        Thanks Neddy. Now what have we to find?
HOODENERS ALL GATHER ROUND SAM
Moll:
I think that you've got to get three of a kind.
Sam:
Here goes, one stocking, two stockings — That's no good, we need three
Bill:
'ere 'ow many nuts you got?
Sam:
                      Get away from me!
Moll:
Now hold on a minute, he's got more than one ball
Boy:
Give it to me and I'll count them all
Sam:
We've got more than two balls — in fact we've got three!
Moll:
That's the sad thing about today's surgery
Sam:
Three balls on the card! You dozy old witch
We've done it, we've done it, at last we are rich!
Moll:
We can now buy the business
                      [To the boy] Quick go to the boss
Hurry up now there's no time to be lost.
George:
You'd best take young Neddy, see'f he takes to a mount
Bill:
What's the worst that can happen?
Boy:
                      I'll be out for the count.
Sam:
Don't be so daft — he likes a good ride
Moll:
Are you quite sure, has anyone tried?
BOY ATTEMPTS TO GET ON NEDDY'S BACK. NEDDY IS NOT HAVING ANY OF IT
Sam:
Whoa there, wait up, come on, steady Ned!
George:
He's given the Boy a kick in the head!
He's out of control — grab him while you can
Bill:
He's head-butted mi chest, he thinks he's Zidane!
CHAOS ENSUES AND IN THE GENERAL KERFUFFLE THE BOY IS THROWN OFF ONTO THE GROUND AND MOLL'S CHEST EXPLODES. THE 'ORSE BOLTS.
Bill:
What was that bang? I've gone deaf in one ear
Sam:
Was it an explosion in Northern Korea?
George:
P'raps it's a plane, like a loud sonic boom
Bill:
I've the strangest feeling, there's more space in the room!
Sam:
And what on earth's happened to our docile, young nag?
It appears that he's bolted and quite lost his rag
George:
He went quite beserk, turned into a loony
And then he ran off…
Bill:
                      A bit like Wayne Rooney
HOODENERS' ATTENTION TURNS TO MOLL WHO IS FIDDLING WITH HER CLOTHES
Sam:
Hold on a tick, where have Molly's boobs gone?
She looks all deflated, like something's gone wrong
George:
Her demeanour is anxious, she looks off the planet
Sam:
She's gone in a wink from Miss World to Miss Thanet
Bill & George:
 
What?
Sam:
Flat!
Moll:
My boobs have gone bust! I had 'em done cheap
Now they've all shrivelled up, I could sit here and weep
I just wanted to look like one of them WAGs
Sam:
Instead you just look like one of them slags
George:
Don't worry Moll, where there's blame there's a claim
We'll return to the hospital from whence you came
We'll need a solicitor to be on your side
To prove that the doctors cheated and lied
Moll:
I don't want any aggro, or vast legal bills
My name's old Moll, I'm not Heather Mills
George:
[Aside] You wouldn't have a leg to stand on…
Bill:
Was it round here that they did your implants?
Moll:
Well not exactly — I went over to France
Sam:
Well I wouldn't let them nip, tuck, fiddle or delve
They're still narked with us about 2012
Moll:
I was just saving money, you know things are tight
What do you think George?
George:
                      Yeah! You're right!
BOY IS STILL LYING ON FLOOR AND CLEARS HIS THROAT
Boy:
Isn't anyone going to notice I'm dead
HOODENERS ALL TAKE A STEP BACK
Moll:
Oh look our old Boy has been knocked out again
George:
Stand back! It could be polonium 210
After all he was 'Rushin' — in a way
Unlike that other bloke, Pinochet
Sam:
Oh dear! What a shame! I think that he's dead
Floored by a fatal hoof to the head
I think I'll just go and congratulate Ned
Moll:
You can't, he's run off. He scarpered and fled
Sam:
We must get our 'orse back
George:
                      But what of the Boy?
Bill:
I think we should bury him
Sam:
                      And then sing for joy
George:
Surely Sam you mean a lament
Sam:
Don't bet your life, I know what I meant.
Moll:
We should cover him up from his head to his feet
What we need is a blanket or cover or sheet
SHEET IS PRODUCED FROM SOMEWHERE. THE HOODENERS SING A LAMENT
[To the tune of 'Danny Boy']
Our Boy is dead, Alas! He is not breathing
It's such a shame, by some he was adored
But never mind 'cos looking on the bright side
It could be worse, at least he was insured!
Sam:
With the Boy's life insurance we've even more money!
Two windfalls today — now isn't that funny!
Moll:
I suppose if we're that rich, I could try again
A few more procedures — a little more pain
George:
I could replace my instrument, and have a new fiddle
Bill:
I could sort out my plumbing , so I don't need to widdle
Boy:
Look at you all like a group of old misers
You work on a farm you don't work for Pfizers
All:
He's alive!!
Boy:
I'm sorry to say that my life's not insured
The payments were more than this lad could afford
Sam:
That's typical of the young of today
They don't want to work and they don't want to pay
Moll:
Now you're here, just get going you've errands to run
You can't sit about here, there's work to be done
George:
Now you've decided you're alive and not dead
Go find the Boss, and go and find Ned
BOY RUNS OFF
Sam:
I hope he don't get too distracted
His exits seem to get more protracted
Moll:
He's at that age, things turn his head
He's no mind of his own, he's easily lead
Bill:
And he makes things up, he's a bit of a liar
He said he'd seen a giant on fire
George:
That's right, he was in a bit of a state
That day he came back from the front at Margate
ALL SHAKE THEIR HEADS. BOY RETURNS WITH NED
Sam:
Aaah, here he comes now at least he's found Ned
And the horse seems much calmer and ready for bed
Where did you find him? I hope you've been tender
Boy:
He was stuck in the pub, on a bit of a bender
Moll:
But what did the Boss say, will our dreams turn out real?
Come on hurry up, is it deal or no deal?
Boy:
Hold on a minute I'll just phone the banker
BOY MAKES A PHONE CALL
Boy:
Yes… yes… oh
Bill:
What did he say?
Boy:
He called me a…
Moll:
Now then, less of it. Did you tell of our plan?
What did you say to our old Boss man
Boy:
I'm sorry to tell you it's not going to be
He's done a U-turn — not the first you'll agree
He missed his vocation — if you're asking me
He really would make a first class MP
Sam:
It was nice while it lasted the dream that we had
And we've still got the money so it isn't all bad
Bill:
What shall we do with all of this cash?
Do you want some more boobs Moll?
Moll:
                      I think that's a bit rash
I could use a new broom though, this one's a bit knackered
Sam:
It's not that bad Moll — once it's varnished and lacquered
I'm sure it'll do for just one more year
MOLL STARTS SWEEPING
Moll:
I suppose so. Let's see… — The 'oodeners are here!
George:
I bet she drinks Carling Black Label!
Sam:
But sometimes I think she's lost the plot
Let's get back to ours, what other ideas've you got?
George:
We could buy a new plough and get rid of the 'orse
Or we could even give it to this year's good cause
Moll:
So now for the bit with the serious meaning
This year's good cause is East Kent Breast Screening
Sam:
They always need cash so dig deep and be kind
And give us the silver or notes that you find
All:
For if ye the hooden horse do feed
Throughout the year ye shall not need.
[Songs:]
[Tune: The Sound of Music]
The pubs are alive with the sound of Hoodening
We come and perform at this time of year
We don’t charge a fee, we just need donations
And we also demand a free pint of beer!

[Tune: Edelweiss]
Hoodeners we, famously
Performing for your pleasure
We bring cheer, you bring beer
Please don’t give us half measures
We have talents to bring to you
Our Boy can sing quite sweetly
Even though, his pitch ain’t low
Since Ned crushed his nuts so completely!

[Tune: Do, Re, Mi]
Moll: a dear, who likes her beer
Ned: an ‘orse, who’s Dobbin’s son
Boss: a bloke we never see
Boy: we kick to make him run
George: a bloke with flowery clothes
Bill: his face is black with coal
Sam: he gets up Molly’s nose
And that brings us back to Moll
[altogether now…]

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