Hoodening Play 2004

[ENTER MOLL]
Moll:
The 'oodeners are here!
Come on you lot, let's have some quiet
I feel like I'm cornered in some kind of riot
Oi, lets have some hush from you at the back
Or else I'll be dealing a few hefty whacks!
Times are a-changing, we're getting quite flash
Our boss has decided to invest some cash
Technology's the answer — well that's what he thinks
'though if you ask me, I think that it stinks!
I'm of the opinion the old ways are best
Sam (off-stage):
Is that why you still put grease on your chest?
[ENTER SAM]
Sam:
You're going to be chuffed, Moll, I've brought you a present
Moll:
That's rather strange, you're not usually pleasant
Sam:
It isn't from me, you stupid old bint
It's part of the boss's technology stint
He says that you need much more va-va-vroom!
Moll:
What?
Sam:
He's sent you a hoover instead of a broom!
Moll:
I don't want that thing; it's got too much suck
My broom is just fine for clearing up muck
Sam:
All right, keep your hair on, don't lose your rag
We've got to move with the times, you silly old bag
Moll:
All this newfangled stuff — it's not heaven, it's hell
But I'm not on my own, 'arry thinks so as well
Anyway where is 'arry and the rest of the crew?
I hope that they've not gone to try pastures new
[ENTER DOBBIN ET AL. TO SOUNDS OF BLEEPS AND OTHER ELECTRONIC PARAPHERNELIA; GEORGE HAS AERIAL FIXED TO HIS HAT]
Moll:
Oh no, here we go — George, whatever is that?
George:
What?
Moll:
That strange contraption that's fixed to your hat
George:
That's my satellite thing for enhanced navigation
(consults hand held screen)
According to this I'm at Birchington [Broadstairs, etc.] station!
[OPPORTUNITY FOR SPECIAL LINES, ALMOST NEVER USED]
'arry:
I think it's gone wrong, George, you've got a malfunction
George:
P'raps we took a wrong turn at the junction
'arry:
I think this is silly, the world has gone mad
Whatever was wrong with the system we had?
Boy:
You're so out of touch! We need to progress!
And this stuff will help us compete, I guess
We can go where we want to and do what we choose
With all this technology we really can't lose!
'arry: (never actually said in performances — too cruel or just old news?)
What, you mean like Paula Radcliffe?
Moll:
Looks like no-one escaped this technology fest
I see even Dobbin is looking his best
George:
With his go-faster stripes he might look a bit funny
But he gives Kelly Holmes a run for her money
'arry:
He's got air-conditioning in his old cart
Which helps when he lets rip a mighty, big fart
[DOBBIN DOES THE BUSINESS]
Sam:
Crikey, it might be windy in the US of A
But hurricane Dobbin has just been this way
George:
His force is destructive — he's got that eggs (X-)factor
Sam:
Too bad that he's being replaced with a tractor
[DOBBIN STAMPS ON SAM'S FOOT]
'arry:
He's having you on, nothing's taking your place
Hey, what has the Boy got there in that case?
George:
He's got our computer, it's state of the art
Sam:
Oi, give that to me Boy — you little upstart!
Moll:
Don't be so rude Sam, we're all meant to share
You keep taking that thing home, it just isn't fair!
'arry:
Yes, what are you up to — you're on it for hours
Are you looking for info on new plants and flowers?
George:
Or are you searching for cures for Dobbin's poor gut?
Moll:
More likely, I reckon, he's downloading smut!
'arry:
For someone who don't know a bit from a byte
I'll bet he's corrupting our Internet site
Moll:
What do you think George?
George:
                      Er, yeah, you're right!
Boy:
I know what he's up to; I've picked up some clues
'arry:
Is he trying to contact that Rebecca Loos?
Boy:
You're not that far wrong — he's got something to hide
He's trying to find him an Internet bride!
Sam:
Shut up you toe-rag, you lying, young twit
Get here and I'll rub your face in this…
All:
SAM!
Boy:
I'm telling the truth — if it's evidence you need
I've downloaded her image and printed it in threed!
All:
3-D!
[BOY SHOWS PHOTO TO OTHERS (EVEN DOBBIN HAS A LOOK)]
'arry:
Cor! She's not a bad looker
George:
                      A voluptuous beast
'arry:
She looks quite exotic!
George:
                      Is she from the Far East?
[SAM SNATCHES PHOTO BACK]
Sam:
Thailand, if you must know, and I'll have that back
And as for you, Boy, you need a good smack
Moll:
I think she looks minging, a right moaning Minnie
She needs the assistance of Susannah and Trinny
Sam:
You can talk Moll — you look like a truck
What you need is a surgeon for a nip and a tuck
Moll:
Anyway, it's quite clear she's not one of our kind
I think you'll discover it's all in his mind!
'arry:
What are you saying, is he having us on?
Do you think that it's all an elaborate con?
Moll:
His imagination has always run riot
Sam:
Oh, for goodness sake, Moll, why don't you be quiet?
If you must know we've been talking by e-mail for ages
Our correspondence — it runs into pages
You're just jealous, your nose out of joint
George:
A long distance romance? I don't see the point!
'arry:
I sort of agree George, it's hardly a goer
Electronic mail and a chat on the blower!
Moll:
She'll never come over, it's patently clear
Sam:
Well, that's where you're wrong Moll — she's already here!
'arry:
You're pulling our leg Sam
Moll:
                      He's lying, I'll bet!
George:
Did she fly Cathay Pacific?
Sam:
                      No, EU Jet
All:
What?
Sam:
And she's having my baby, we're going to get wed
'arry:
You've got to be joking!
George:
                      What's he just said?
'arry:
That was quick work Sam, you've only just met!
You've scored straight away! Put one in the net!
They'll sign you for England — you'll wipe the floor
And do better than Euro 2004!
Moll:
When did you first meet her? In person, I mean
Sam:
Last Monday, dear Molly, I knew you'd be green
Moll:
So when did you 'do it', if I can be trite?
'cos if you ask me something don't seem quite right
If you only just met her a few days ago
Do you think that it's true, can she already know?
'arry:
I suppose, as usual, Sam knows the best
Moll:
But are you quite sure that she's done a test?
Sam:
She took her A levels only last week
She's not like Prince Harry — she didn't cheat!
Moll:
That's not quite what I meant Sam, is he really so dense?
He's as stupid as you George, no offence
George:
None taken
[A PHONE RINGS AND ALL HOODENERS SEARCH ABOUT THEIR PERSON LOOKING FOR THEIR MOBILES (EVEN DOBBIN). ALL ANSWER SIMULTANEOUSLY, EXCEPT GEORGE, WHO TAKES A WHILE TO EXTRACT HIS (HOUSE-)'BRICK'.]
All:
The 'oodeners are here!
[ALL SHRUG AND PUT PHONES AWAY EXCEPT SAM]
Sam:
Hello, my dear!
[SAM PUTS PHONE AWAY]
Sam:
Ha ha! Oh ye of little faith, you may mock no more
My beautiful fiancée is just outside the door!
George:
What's her name Sam?
Sam:
                      It's Karma with a 'K'
'arry:
What, is she Karma Sutra?
Sam:
                      No, she's Karma Long Wei
George:
Karm again, what did he say?
Moll:
Karma Chameleon?
Sam:
                      No, Karma Long Wei!
[ENTER BEAUTIFUL EXOTIC LADY (KARMA LONG WEI), LOOKING RATHER BULBOUS AROUND THE MIDRIFF]
Karma:
Greetings, fine, good English men — to you a Happy Chrisst Mass!
Boy:
Crikey! She's a shocking sight!
George:
                      She is a rather big lass!
'arry:
She don't look like her photo, her proportions are all wrong!
Moll:
She's certainly got film star looks — she's a ringer for King Kong
Sam:
Take no notice my sweet love, they're as jealous as can be
I've told them 'bout the baby and our plans for matrimony
Karma:
I am please to have Sam's baby, I can't wait to be his bride
I will be good wife and mother, I will never leave his side!
[THE OTHERS HAVE HUDDLED TOGETHER]
Boy:
I don't know that much about girls and their ways
But I think she's been pregnant for more than ten days
Moll:
She is rather weighty, she looks quite a sight!
What do you think George?
George:
                      I think you're right!
'arry:
Sam's not the father, she's got him well hooked
If you're asking me her bun's almost cooked!
[MOLL PULLS SAM TO ONE SIDE]
Moll:
I don't think it's yours Sam — you're not the dad
She's pulling your plonker — I think you've been had
I think that the father is somebody else
Sam:
What makes you say that?
Moll:
                      She's the size of a house!
Sam:
She's just well built
'arry:
                      Like an ocean-going tanker
Sam:
You shut your mouth, you jealous old…
All:
SAM!
Karma:
You English gentlemen, please do not fight
If you are not careful your horse will give fright
[KARMA STROKES DOBBIN — DOBBIN LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE]
George:
She's right, best calm down and quash all this din
Let's have some ale — who's getting them in?
'arry:
Hey, what's happened to Dobbin? He's started to squirm
He don't look too good, I think he's got worms
Moll:
You don't think it's fatal? He's not run his course?
I'm fond of old Dobbin — we need our old horse!
George:
If he's got worms they need getting out
Stick your hand up his jacksy — have a feel about
Moll:
I'm not James Herriott, you do it yourself
I'm not that concerned about Dobbin's health
'arry:
What of Moll's hoover, we could use it to suck
That should clear Dobbin of whatever is stuck
Boy:
Make sure it's set right — put on suck and not blow
Else he might get inflated and pop — you don't know!
[WORMS ARE EXTRACTED USING THE HOOVER]
Moll:
Well that's got that out, but he still looks quite sick
I think we should get some more help, double quick!
'arry:
Professional assistance is what we need to get
Someone should take him to see a good vet
Sam:
Quick Boy, you take him, mount our fine steed
And ride like the wind with the greatest of speed
[BOY MOUNTS DOBBIN, DOBBIN REARS AND BOY FALLS OFF HITTING HIS HEAD]
'arry:
Oh crikey he's fallen, he's battered his head
Moll:
I'm fearing the worst; I think that he's dead
George:
We should cover the body to make it discreet
And show our respects — what we need is a sheet
Karma:
Here's one
Moll:
How come she's prepared? It seems a bit strange
How could she know we'd a wake to arrange?
'arry:
I agree that it's odd but there is some good news
Dobbin seems fine — he is grazing anew
I've found out the cause of his melancholy
Someone had turned up his in-horse CD!
The music was deafening, it had damaged his ears
Sam:
I think we all need some medicinal beers!
Boy:
Did someone say beer? I could do with a drink!
George:
What was that noise?
'arry:
                      It's the young 'un I think!
[BOY GETS UP]
All:
He's alive!
Boy:
I'm suspecting foul play and I'm smelling a rat!
And I'm thinking exactly I know where it's at
She nobbled poor Dobbin when she fondled his mane!
Sam:
Fondled his what?
Boy:
There's more dirty tricks than an election campaign
Sam:
Leave her alone Boy she's nothing to hide
Boy:
Wanna bet? I don't think that's a baby inside!
[A TUSSLE ENSUES AS THE BOY TRIES TO 'ATTACK' KARMA WITH SAM TRYING TO STOP HIM. DURING THE STRUGGLE SOMETHING DISLODGES FROM UNDER KARMA'S DRESS.]
Moll:
There's something protruding from under her dress!
Boy:
This woman's no lady at all, is my guess
[BOY DE-WIGS KARMA]
George:
Now she looks neither like one thing nor t'other
'arry:
P'raps it's that Nadia, from telly's Big Brother
Karma:
My equipment's gone wrong and my wires are all fused
Things are faulty down here, I'm being abused!
[MOLL HAS SIDLED UP TO KARMA AND EYES HIM UP AMOROUSLY]
Moll:
His equipment looks perfectly OK to me
It seems to be functioning satisfactorily!
I don't like his frillies, but I quite like his frock
But something tells me he's not from Bangkok
George:
His face is familiar — now his agony's ceased
'arry:
I thought that you said you were from the Far East
Karma:
I am, I'm from Birchington
'arry:
Ah now that he says that, I know where he's been
He's one of our rivals from yon ploughing team
So what's your game, eh? And why the pretence?
You've upset our Sam and you've caused us offence
Boy:
I know what he is! An industrial spy
He's after our secrets, I want to know why
Karma:
S'pose now I've been rumbled I'll have to come clean
I am from an old, neighbouring, ploughing team
I was charged with the task of planting some bugs
'arry:
What do you take us for — some kind of mugs?
Karma:
Well, yes, since you're asking — I consider you four
[Other five Hoodeners look puzzled, then count everyone else and appear satisfied]
Are not really the sharpest knives in the drawer (especially him!)
Moll:
You cheeky young beggar, see him off Sam
Fuse his equipment, so he goes bang!
[SMALL TUSSLE (AND EXPLOSION); EXIT KARMA]
'arry:
Thank goodness he's gone, he got me all riled
Moll:
How on earth did you think that you'd got her/him 'with child'?
I can't understand why in all the debacle
You didn't notice his thick hairy chest…
George:
                      or his tackle!
Moll:
Tell us exactly how your evening was spent
Don't be embarrassed, our interest is well meant!
Sam:
We went for a meal — for a burger and chips
I thought that she looked a bit strange round the lips
All:
And…?
Sam:
We went for a walk and then after a pause…
All:
Yes?
Sam:
I admit that we then held hands — out of doors
All:
And?!
Sam:
That was it — she ran off for her bus
You've embarrassed me now with all of this fuss
Moll:
Did you think she was being a bit of a tease
Or were you not taught 'bout the birds and the bees?
'arry:
You must know that you need to do more than just talk!
Sam:
I know that there has to be a visit from a stork!
George:
Oh, come off it Sam, you must watch the box
You must know what's under those dresses and frocks!
'arry:
And those nature programmes, all that mountin' and stuff
Sam:
What you mean like St Helens, have I got to erupt?
Dobbin:
In a manner of speaking…
Boy:
You have to do more than just bill and coo
Sam:
She held onto my sausage while I went to the loo!
'arry:
You could get arrested for that
Moll:
You remember last winter when Dobbin saw action
That mare he was with gave him great satisfaction
They galloped around in that field full of clover
Then the dirty old sod got his hoof over!
[SAM LOOKS PUZZLED]
'arry:
You must remember his great big willy!
Sam:
I seem to recall he just looked a bit silly
George:
It seems that he needs a bit of a push
Babies aren't found 'neath a prickly bush
Moll:
A prick of a Bush, did you just say?
Isn't he the president of the US of A?
Boy:
Following the last presidential election
Sam (interrupting):
I think that there ought to be an erection
All:
He's got it — at last!
[SAM STILL LOOKS PUZZLED]
Dobbin:
Lucky him
George:
Now that we've sorted the birds from the bees
We'd be grateful for quiet
'arry:
                      A little hush please
Karma:
This year we're collecting for a few local causes
Including one which looks after sick horzes
[Dobbin, occasionally: "Who're you calling thick?" etc.]
Demelza House is another — a horse-pice for kids
So give us your coppers and silver and quids
All:
For if ye the Hooden Horse do feed
Throughout the year ye shall not need!
[Song: 'Karma's Song']

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